On Turning Twenty-One

Well, this is it.. my last night before I turn into an adult in all senses of the word. I can't believe it--I have been on this earth for almost twenty-one whole years! Do you realize how many seconds that is? 662 695 445 seconds! Over six-hundred sixty-two million seconds--I stop to think about whether I've lived up all of those seconds to their fullest potential. I haven't. Not even close.

I'm a pretty contemplative person in general, but today I have felt especially sentimental, thinking of my last hours as a twenty-year-old. I have been thinking a lot today about who I am now compared to who I was in previous years. Have I changed? Hopefully! I would like to think that I'm at least a little bit more mature than I was when I was twelve years old. But how could I track my growth and progress? I have started a practice today that will help me see my own progression that I think I will continue throughout the rest of my life. I got my old journals down from my shelf and began reading all of the entries from this past year, starting with my birthday in 2009.

I haven't always been diligent about keeping a journal. In fact, it took me TWELVE YEARS to fill the little red journal I got when I was eight years old. However, I have become significantly addicted to writing in my journal because it is the best way to organize my thoughts and record current things that are happening in my life. Last year I finally finished my first journal, have since breezed through another one, and am nearing completion of my third. I'm not trying to brag, but it certainly has made for an interesting day as I relived the hundreds of pages of my twentieth year. As I retraced my steps and emotions today I realized how immature I was spiritually (as well as in other aspects of my life) and how far I've come. I also saw the constant evidence of Heavenly Father's hand in my life, even though I often didn't see it at the time.

Looking back on some of the trials I went through and the things I was struggling with, I wonder how I could have been so stupid. I guess hindsight truly is 20/20. Like anybody, I definitely have regrets and would change some of my actions if I could go back, but I feel all of my experiences have helped to form me into the person I am now.

The biggest change I have recognized is my expectation for the future. Early in this year, I had a pretty set idea of how my life was going to turn out. When unexpected events or challenges came up, I didn't really know how to respond to them. I thought I knew what was best for me and was stubborn about fulfilling my will. I have come to realize lately that I have no idea about what is in store for me in the upcoming years (or even months). Honestly, I don't know what is best for me anymore. But the beauty is that I don't need to know the whole picture. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me that is bigger and better than anything I can think of. And I am learning to trust in His design and guidance even though it isn't always easy. Twenty-one is a great age to be and I'm excited for the upcoming year! I'm determined to make every second count. I'm not getting any younger...